Percy Jackson Smut Headcanons - Chapter 8 - maniccc (2024)

Chapter Text

Who joins the Mile High Club?:

• You might think this is an easy question to answer, but it is not. Membership to the Mile High Club is fiercely contested, with it being somewhat of a tiered system as to how seriously people will treat your claim
• Starting out on the lowest rung are people who say that having sex in Olympus, the floating city, is sufficient to be part of the club. These people are not treated seriously at all, and are usually nymphs and college students looking for cred with their more socially advanced peers
• Next up we have those who f*ck in the air either flying or thanks to a flying partner. Some of Dylan’s hookups, as well as those who have f*cked either Hermes of someone else with a pair of winged shoes, make this claim. In timelines where he lives, Jason makes the cut. Piper would also sit here, thanks to her escapades with Dylan, but she’s on a higher rung we’ll get to later
• Some say that flying under your own weight isn’t enough, there needs to be someone else present to make the thrill of being watched notable. And as creatures in PJO seem to have some degree of sentience, they argue the minimum requirement is to have sex in the sky with a conscious companion also present. Will and Nico are here, both having f*cked in the back of a pegasus chariot as well as in the Sun Chariot. Percy is also stuck in this tier, as he can’t board planes, and Leo is here as the most he’s done is have sex on the back of Festus
• Above them are those who insist that, in order to be true to the challenge of joining the Mile High Club, it has to be in an aeroplane. Frederick Chase has flown an aeroplane while getting head, putting him in this tier
• Just above him, Rachel, as the owner of a private jet thanks to her father, just barely beats out Frederick in terms of validity to her claim as she wasn’t alone with her lover on the plane, there was a pilot and cabin crew on the scene
• Above her are those who insist that you can’t just be in a plane, it has to be a passenger plane with random people. This is where Frank, Annabeth and Thalia have used their shapeshifting, hat and rudimentary control of the Mist respectively to sneak into plane bathrooms and f*ck their way into the Mile High Club (this was in fact the only reason Thalia boarded the plane to begin with)
• However, purists above even that level exist. These are people who insist that membership to the Mile High Club necessitates no magic - you can only f*ck in a passenger plane using your wit and your balls. No demigods have done this - but Sally Jackson and Paul Blofis have

Sally/Gabe:

• Gabe was not an especially considerate partner in bed - he didn't care for Sally's pleasure, never went down on her and would often be too rough. However, a treacherous part of Sally enjoyed his entitlement and sexist attitude and general slobbiness, and so she made do for the first few years. You could never make her admit it, but every time Gabe smacked her ass and told her to fetch him a beer, she'd suck him off extra hard the next time they f*cked, *especially* if his poker buddies were present.
• All that said, he was still overall a massive net negative in both her and Percy's life, especially as he grew more and more abusive towards her, and by the end of it she was thrilled to bump him off with Medusa's head.

Poseidon/Amphitrite:

• While Hera is incandescent with fury every time Zeus cheats and Hades and Persephone treat the other having affairs like a bad smoking habit they wish their partner would quit, Poseidon and Amphitrite are pretty chill about the other having affairs
• The reason Amphitrite doesn't care for Percy's existence is that when the Big Three made their pact, Amphitrite also swore off sleeping with mortals as moral support. She doesn't have nearly as many affairs on the surface as Poseidon, but it was still an effort she made in solidarity with her husband. So while she's not mad Poseidon was unfaithful to her, she's mad he wasn't faithful to the pact they both agreed to
• Other than that, though, the two are definitely the healthiest of the three royal couples, which extends to a healthy sex life between them
• They never invite thirds into their bed except for their mortal offspring - which, at the moment, consists of just Percy (although with the pact of the Big Three being over, that may be subject to change)
• Though their sex isn't massively kinky in most ways, them always having sex underwater has led to them having a lot of very atypical favourite positions
• Amphitrite's favourite is actually having sex out of the water. Though they can move through the water with ease, Amphitrite prefers when their sex feels raw and unencumbered by sea god magic - their own physical strength being all that keeps them going

Which girls do Clarisse and Reyna willingly submit to?:

• Both of them will often submit to Thalia, Clarisse because of power hierarchy and Reyna because of authority hierarchy in the Hunt. However, if Clarisse beat Thalia the last time they fought, she's not submitting - Thalia is basically Clarisse's girl Percy. Reyna and Thalia's deal is basically whatever they feel like at the time.
• Other than Thalia, who people can work out why she submits to her, Clarisse's list of people she'll submit to is erratic and incomprehensible - Silena Beauregard, Katie Gardner, Lavinia Asimov, Nyssa Barrera and Sally Jackson. Greater minds than mine or yours have tried to create rules that can determine whether Clarisse will willingly submit to any particular woman in bed, and they've all been debunked.
• Reyna's much easier to work out - the more authority someone holds, the more likely she is to willingly submit to them. Hylla is her elder sister and a Queen, Annabeth is effectively co-leader of the Greeks, Thalia is her Lieutenant and Artemis her Mistress, Hazel is her replacement as Praetor, and most goddesses can draw respect and obedience from Reyna.

Nico/Reyna:

• (FROM AN UNFINISHED FIC I WANTED TO WRITE A WHILE BACK BUT DIDN'T HAVE THE JUICE IN ME)
• Nico and Reyna were at a sleepover one time when Reyna got some food on her pyjamas. She stripped her top off, and Nico, very unusually, was very intrigued by it
• Reyna picked up on this, and began flirting with him. Soon enough, they were making out
• Reyna blew Nico while he was blindfolded, and then she rode him anally in reverse cowgirl, then she grabbed a strap-on and f*cked him with it
• To this day, Nico maintains that he's gay, there's just something different about Reyna. The two sleep together frequently - often with Reyna giving herself a dick, but sometimes Nico'll eat her out or f*ck her puss*

First guy Percy and Annabeth did cuck stuff with?:

• They'd slept with other people before, but the first one who they deliberately get to engage with them in cuck play was Frank.
• (Side note, in the Cuck Percy headcanons from Volume Three, I listed the people who Percy and Annabeth bring into the bedroom for cuck play, but I completely forgot Frank. Frank's very strong, possibly even stronger than Percy, he's the son of Percy's main godly rival, he's Praetor of New Rome, and he's much bigger than Percy. Perfectly ticks all the boxes)
• The way it comes about would be very simple: Percy would realise that he really enjoys the thought of Annabeth sleeping with other people in a way that most of their peers don't. They'd work it out, and decide on Frank as the natural first pick as a man they both trust.

The Seven’s favourite godly lays:

• Percy: Artemis
• Annabeth: Poseidon
• Jason: Persephone
• Piper: Apollo
• Leo: Khione (but that's a story for another day)
• Frank: Also Apollo
• Hazel: Thanatos

“Praetor’s Rewards” in New Rome:

• Rewarding Hard Work isn't canon to these, so disregard that fic
• Praetors typically will sexually reward Centurions who perform above their standards, while Centurions are the ones who reward Legionnaires. Frank and Hazel will sometimes give out rewards to truly outstanding Legionnaires (like Reyna did for Marcus in Rewarding Hard Work) but that's a rarity

Estelle:

• - Like her mother, Estelle is a clear-sighted mortal
• - Estelle grows up only tangentially connected to the godly world. She knows about them from the age of about twelve, but they're not a major presence in her life. She has a normal childhood and goes to college
• - After college, Estelle has some difficulty getting a job. Percy pulls some strings and hooks her up with a job in New Argos in a civil service-style capacity
• - While in New Argos, Estelle is finally exposed full-on to the godly world. Goat legged and dog-headed men, cloud and river spirits, demigod powers and training, all of it. This means she's also exposed to demigod libidos
• - At first, it's all very overwhelming. Percy hadn't mentioned that the demigod world was this... horny!
• - Wanting to help Estelle settle, Annabeth and Piper took Estelle out for a night on the town. Naturally, just an hour in, Annabeth and Piper were whispering words of reassurance in Estelle's ears as she knelt in a glory hole, servicing anonymous co*cks
• - After that night, Estelle is still a little more reserved than your average demigod, but a lot more sexually open than she was. She has casual sex, she often wakes up on Saturday and Sunday mornings in a stranger's bed, and she does end up sleeping with Percy, as well as both of her parents
• - Once Helen is back from NRU a few years later, the mighty trio of Annabeth, Helen and Estelle forms, legendary in the New Argos and New Rome clubbing scene for being especially unrepentant slu*ts

Annabeth’s Bulls Ranked:

• If we take the list of Annabeth's bulls from the cuck Percy headcanons (+ Frank because I forgot him the first time around) then it looks like this:
• 1. Otho
• 2. Piper
• 3. Poseidon
• 4. Frank
• 5. Carter
• 6. Apollo
• 7. Clarisse
• They like all of them, naturally, but they've got their preferences. If Jason lives, he's their favourite, obviously

Percy and Annabeth’s first opposite-sex lays other than each other:

• Annabeth's was Grover, Percy and Annabeth decided they wanted to open things slowly and gently
• Percy's was Gwen, who he ran into at a party at NRU. She blew him, and then told Annabeth, who then told him to finish the job

Main characters’ biggest turn ons that make them give 200% during sex:

• Percy: Having just gotten cucked. Nothing gets him ready to go like wanting to prove himself after getting demeaned
• Annabeth: Being told someone else is better at f*cking than her
• Piper: Getting felt up
• Leo: Being told he's got a big dick
• Frank: His partner performing a strip tease
• Hazel: Ultron from Avengers: Age of Ultron. Once again, don't ask, just know that it riles her up like nothing else
• Thalia: "Good girl"
• Reyna: Anal. The second she feels something on her butthole, she locks in
• Nico: Getting manhandled by someone bigger than him
• Clarisse: Fighting. Who would've thought?

Sam raceplay and faithplay:

• Warning: this one may be a little uncomfortable for you guys. Islamophobia and racism against people from the middle east ahead.
• While hanging out in Hotel Valhalla, Sam ran into a rather bigoted Iraq War vet, we'll call him John. John is very obviously racist, and when he sees her he assumes she's an einherjar and asks "was your weapon a suicide bomb or something?"
• Naturally, Sam was pissed. But she couldn't stop thinking about the fact that John was very arousing to her. He was as big and manly as any other einherjar, but that co*cky, racist attitude did something to her she couldn't explain. Especially as she kept running into him, and he pivoted from just racism to flirting while being racist, and it got Sam HOT AND BOTHERED.
• Eventually, Sam challenged him to a spar, hoping to end his co*ckiness. What actually happened was he beat her easily, removed his pants and made her beg for his co*ck while kneeling. Sam, now unable to resist his charms, acquiesced.
• Their "first time" was John mouthf*cking Sam until he was about to cum, when he then proceeded to slide his co*ck into her hijab and cum on her hair.
• From then on, Sam did more and more to defile her race and her religion for John's pleasure, becoming his own personal hijabi whor*.

How do orgies begin at Jackson-Blofis family reunions?

• It always goes pretty much the same way: they'll be playing a regular game and one of them will get put at a disadvantage, and then use sexuality to try to buy their way out (e.g. "I'll suck your dick instead of paying Mayfair" (or whatever the most valuable space on American Monopoly is)). Sexually games are usually reserved for friend gatherings rather than family ones

Which woman loves doggystyle the most?;

• Annab- oh, you mean the position, not... anyway! Reyna's the biggest doggystyle fan, which is good because people who end up behind Reyna also tend to be the biggest doggystyle fans

What are the seven (plus Reyna, Nico and Thalia) like when drunk?:

• So I don't drink (personal stuff) and I don't frequent pubs very often. I've been to my fair share of parties, but just bear in mind that the extent of my knowledge about alcohol is based on observation of what my friends and family are like when drunk and not personal experience of being drunk myself
• Percy: Does not drink due to Smelly Gabe reasons
• Annabeth: Risqué drunk. She's not slu*tty in the sense that she'll immediately try dragging someone into the bathroom, but she probably flashes five guys a night whenever she drinks
• Piper: "Sober thoughts" drunk. At parties, the inner Aphrodite child in her comes out as she'll start chatting sh*t about anyone and everyone, often to their faces
• Leo: Giggly. It's well known that the only way to stop Leo from constantly quipping (other than with a gag) is to get him drunk, because he'll be too busy laughing at everyone
• Frank: Funny drunk. Frank's not known for cracking wise most of the time, but drunk Frank is HILARIOUS. Regardless of whether it's a party or they're at a bar or it's a wedding or whatever, but some liquor in Frank and he will RUN whatever social gathering it is
• Hazel: Loving drunk. It's often hard to hold down a conversation with drunk Hazel because she'll either keep telling you how much she loves and appreciates you or keep hailing people over to tell them how much she loves and appreciates them
• Reyna: Sleepy drunk. Get a bit of wine in her and Reyna's either delirious or out cold
• Nico: Obnoxious drunk. He gets loud, shouty, and will often try to start fights. Curiously, he only seems to start fights with big, manly men who are far physically stronger than him and that he's known to be into
• Thalia: At risk of sounding weird, whiny child drunk. You know the type, she sounds a little bit like a kid who's been told its her bedtime and is trying to argue against it, but every sentence has three pauses for her to work out what her line of argument is

Chiron:

• Chiron and Mr D don't f*ck. Sorry to all my old man yaoi enthusiasts, I just don't buy it
• To deal with the fact that Chiron can't reach beneath himself to masturbat*, the compartment in his wheelchair he keeps his horse half in has a masturbator built-in. Something Frank found out very unexpectedly when he transformed into a centaur and stole Chiron's chair as a joke
• Of course, once New Argos is built, and a city of adult demigods is just a stone's throw away, Chiron becomes far less dependent on his wheelchair as plenty of his ex-students swing by camp to help out with organising, training the demigods and, of course, draining his fat horse nuts
• Chiron's favourite is, of course Annabeth. And even though she's more of a dog girl than a horse girl, Chiron is an exception to that rule
• Diplomatic talks between Camp Half-Blood and Camp Jupiter often end with Praetor Hazel Levesque, serial horsef*cker, handling the "finer details" privately. These private negotiations typically involve one of two things: one of Hazel's holes being filled to the brim with centaur meat, or her face being buried in his donut asshole

Does Percy make his dick bigger for Annabeth?:

• Not massively often. Thing is, Percy and Annabeth have so many ways of shaking things up in the bedroom that making Percy's dick bigger isn't as exciting them as some other occasional treats. It's kind of like watching a Marvel movie for them - they enjoy it, but it's not something they eagerly anticipate.
• When it does happen, though, Percy loves lounging around the house in clothes/underwear that clearly gives away how much extra co*ck he's packing. Annabeth will tease him for having to make himself bigger, but all that usually does is lead to banter - Percy doesn't really get turned on by receiving small penis humiliation in the way Annabeth does.
• In fact, if there's going to be dick-largening shenanigans in the bedroom, it'll most likely be Annabeth making herself larger.

Percy/Poseidon:

• Percy's usually a pretty switchy guy, but he always bottoms for Poseidon. He has gotten his ass f*cked by his father in EVERY position
• Percy's favourite is rimming his father's hairy asshole, he could spend days tonguing Poseidon's ass
• Poseidon is always thorough with Percy, he refuses to let it be over until Percy's firing blanks
• Poseidon's favourite is sucking Percy's co*ck, this is often how they get to the "Percy firing blanks" point

Nico/Hades:

• Hades enjoys watching Nico be f*cked by his subjects more than f*cking Nico himself - mainly because rather than getting on his case about cheating, Persephone instead also gets off on watching
• When they do f*ck, it'll usually be Nico worshipping Hades with his mouth, actual intercourse is especially rare

Characters’ favourite positions:

Because I understand that not everyone has every piece of Viria artwork memorised, I’ll also transcribe it below:

• Missionary: Rachel Dare, Silena Beauregard, Charles Beckendorf, Percy Jackson
• Doggy: Reyna Ramírez-Arellano, Meg McCaffrey, Chiron, Jason Grace
• Cowgirl: Thalia Grace, Hazel Levesque, Octavian
• Reverse Cowgirl: Bianca di Angelo, Magnus Chase, Leo Valdez
• Amazon: Zoë Nightshade, Alex Fierro, Grover Underwood
• Prone Bone: Juniper, Zia Rashid, Carter Kane, Will Solace
• Mating Press: Clarisse La Rue, Calypso, Sally Jackson, Nico di Angelo
• Full Nelson: Annabeth Chase, Samirah Al-Abbas, Paolo Montes
• Scissoring/Frotting: Sadie Kane, Piper McLean, Apollo
• 69: Frank Zhang, Lavinia Asimov

Nico’s favourite subjects of Hades to f*ck (+ his favourite position with each:

• (Zombie) Jason - Mating Press
• Beckendorf - Doggy
• The once-discussed Random 7th Century Peasant - Missionary
• Charon - Doggy
• Hector of Troy - Mating Press

The “Mount Rushmore” of Percy and Annabeth’s sexual escapades, legendary among the people of New Rome:

• So I LOVE this premise, but I can only think of a standalone for each of them, not any of them together, unfortunately. You'll have to make do, I’m afraid.
• Percy: It's rumoured that Percy once got reverse-gangb*nged by Hera, Demeter, Hestia, Athena, Artemis and Aphrodite, and that after he satisfied them so greatly they offered him godhood, which he turned down for a second time
• Annabeth: The busiest celebratory gangb*ng during the construction of New Argos, with 17 demigods and legacies, 20 cynocephali and 16 cyclopes

Hades/Maria post-mortem:

• I think Hades doesn't consort with his lovers once they're dead. It's a rule of his

Biggest reverse gangb*ngs for the boys:

• Reverse gangb*ng's a little trickier than gangb*ng, because unless I take the (cheap) route of either giving the boys puss*es or girls dicks, the logistical limits are much greater in terms of how much they can dish out. Basically, don't expect numbers nearly as big as the girls' gangb*ngs
• Percy: The Hunters of Artemis. It wasn't all 22 that took part in the Lycaon gangb*ng, as water rejuvenation only took Percy so far, but he still was the one man at the centre of the attention of around seventeen women
• Grover: The seven Meliai. This may be a low number by the standards of who he's up against, but remember that the Meliai are basically superwomen, so that's VERY impressive that he managed to endure that
• Leo: Also the Hunters of Artemis, but he didn't have the water cheat that Percy did, so he tapped out around eleven women.
• Frank: The Women of the Fifth Cohort. Frank put up OBSCENE numbers by constantly transforming into different animals, which gave him enough of a burst of energy each time to keep going. By the time he'd made it through everyone who wanted to take part, that was twenty-three women he dicked down
• Apollo: The Nine Muses. Nothing much to say here, they're a pretty obvious pick. Sure, he's a god, but he's never felt the need to go through that many women in one go

COMMENT EXCLUSIVES! Leave a comment here on AO3 if you don't feel like going to the CuriousCat but still want to see your headcanon featured! Commented requests for headcanons this week will be answered two weeks from now, as next week’s post is going to be a collection of descriptions of the new characters I’ve introduced across these headcanons. If you have a request for someone you fear I may skip - a middle-aged version of the canon characters who I’ve not really discussed, for example - then feel free to comment them and ask me to cover them in time for next week’s descriptions masterpost.

Leo’s pervy cameras:

• To both satisfy his kink and not be banned from talking to his friends ever again, Leo worked out a method for maximum ethicality:
• Leo has invisible cameras in bathrooms, locker rooms, houses, and just about any other conceivable place in New Argos
• Leo owns a contract that is very simple: if you, of sound body and mind, sign this contract, those cameras will be able to record your body in these places, while those who haven’t signed the cameras physically cannot record. This contract also makes it so that every day except one per fortnight, you do not remember the existence of the cameras. So, while everyone involved is consenting to be seen by Leo, they do not remember doing so
• Basically, Leo uses these cameras to perv on his friends in otherwise innocent moments without their knowledge, and it’s by far his single biggest turn-on

Do Jason and Thalia drink?:

• Jason and Thalia do drink, despite their alcoholic mother. Percy’s the one who doesn’t drink

Is Tristan on Sally’s celebrity hall pass list?:

• He is, right next to George Clooney and Denzel Washington. Sally likes the sophisticated types

Tattoos (I’m really not a tattoo guy so I got basically nothing for this one. I did my best but if you think I did ass then just ignore this one, that’s what I’m gonna do):

• If someone’s not mentioned, I couldn’t think of anything for them
• Percy: An anchor on the small of his back, with Annabeth written in small writing on the anchor. Plus, he still has the legion tattoo
• Annabeth: Not as fancy as Percy’s, but she has his name written on her inner arm where he’d grabbed her before they fell into Tartarus
• Thalia: I imagine she has a lot of kinda normie-ish tattoos, because she doesn’t know what’s overdone and what’s not. Butterfly, barbed wire on the arm, a Chinese dragon, the angel wings, and a personalised arrow-and-lightning-bolt-piercing-a-heart tramp stamp
• Hazel: Doesn’t get any actual tattoos but one time she lost a bet so she had to use the Mist to make it look like she had “Damaged” tattooed across her forehead Jared Leto Joker-style

Sadie:

• I’m not a believer in the Sadie/Walt/Anubis thing, I don’t think that sh*t lasts
• Sadie keeps experimenting a lot with her hair: she starts getting crazy with the colours, and dying all her hair rather than just highlights. Thanks to… magic hair dye, I guess, you’ll never know what colour hair Sadie will have next
• Sadie dyes all her extensive body hair to the same colour scheme as the hair on her head, meaning her armpit hair and pubes will be the same colour as the hair on her head
• I think while Carter gets the “swinging couples” bug from the Greeks, Sadie gets the incest bug. Meaning that Carter also gets the incest bug, as they f*ck routinely
• Sadie also gets the “highly promiscuous” bug from the Greeks. While Carter and Zia settle down fairly early, Sadie definitely does not. She often visits New Argos whenever she can because she loves the particularly erotic nightlife over there

Drew/The random Athena guy:

• His name is Harry, and he’s the closest thing to a regular dude a demigod can get
• Harry’s got practically no edge to him - he’s got a great relationship with his dad and stepmother, he’s well-adjusted, he’s got a bunch of friends, he plays video games and he works out enough to have a decent body but he’s not at all shredded. And again, he’s on the shorter side, which should be a big deal to Drew
• Drew can’t even say any one thing Harry does that drives her crazy. It’s not his looks, because he looks remarkably average, and she wouldn’t even say he’s better than his demigod peers with his stroke game or tongue game. He’s just indescribably a perfect fit for her in bed
• Whenever they’re near one another, Drew is visibly on edge. Annabeth’s the only one who knows about it (he is her brother, after all) but none of the others would ever put together that sometimes Drew will be “randomly” stressing in a social situation because Harry the Athena kid is there, nor will they put together that whenever Drew will vanish from these situations, Harry will have left with her
• For his part, Harry’s just happy a knockout babe like her is into him
• I like to imagine that over time, he wears her down until he asks her out on a date, and eventually (like, eventually eventually) they come out as a couple, get engaged and then married. Young Drew would be horrified if you told her, but Mature Drew’s very happy with him. In a highly bizarre way, they complete each other

Carter/Drew/Lacy:

• When Carter and Sadie go on a diplomatic visit to New Argos on one occasion, they run into Drew and Lacy, and recognise the girls
• Lacy they’re friendly to, but Sadie and Drew have a bit of a face-off. Nothing happens at that moment, but Drew decides that she’s going to get one over Sadie.
• Later that night, Sadie and Lacy are catching up when they stumble upon Carter and Drew f*cking like rabbits. Drew’s revenge? f*ck Sadie’s hot Pharaoh brother
• Sadie goes to bed in a strop (I imagine this is before Sadie gets the incest bug - in fact, this is probably the first domino to fall) and so she doesn’t learn that Lacy doubled back and joined the two for a threesome Carter has very fond memories of

Bast:

• I’m gonna get dangerously A/B/O-adjacent and say that Bast will go into heat just like real cats do
• Luckily, Carter and Sadie know what to do about Egyptian gods who need to be tamed, and they’ll handle Bast’s heats by f*cking her until she’s sated - though they don’t impregnate her
• When Carter and Sadie aren’t available during Bast’s heats (or just, when she’s horny in general), Bast goes to her next default to sate her lusts: Bes. Little known fact about Bes: he’s hung

Festus’s lovers:

• I think the main person who f*cks Festus is Leo - he designed Festus’ sexual capabilities, after all
• Because Leo is Festus’ master Festus usually only f*cks those Leo asks him to - often the women in Leo’s life, because he enjoys watching them more than the guys (I’m not a believer in “Leo’s comphet/largely comphet and can’t process his gay feelings”, I refuse to have let my suffering in reading his POV be for nothing. He’s still bi, as most people in this world of mine are, but he leans towards women)
• As far as the women Leo likes to watch be with Festus go, it’s the usual suspects: Annabeth, Piper, Calypso, Hazel, Reyna, Thalia, Rachel. Percy and Frank also make the cut as people Leo wanted to watch
• However, Festus has sexual tastes on his own, and sometimes he asks Leo if he can act on them. This has led to Festus f*cking Clarisse, Nyssa, Jo, Emmie, Lityerses, and more