My Husband Is Completely Delusional About Saving for Retirement. I Need to Knock Some Sense Into Him. (2024)

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Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband grew up in a household where saving for retirement wasn’t really a thing. I grew up the opposite: My parents saved, invested, and thought about finances long-term.

I have a state pension and my husband pays into a 401(k) through work. He’s been paying into the 401(k) for about 10 years and we would be able to live off of it for about six months at this point in time.He feels my state pension (which will be about half of our annual salary upon retirement) will be enough to live on “forever.”I don’t want to put every penny into high-yield accounts and investments but I want to live happily when we retire. Retirement is about 30 years away so we have time to put away funds and let them grow. I’m in the right here, correct? How do I get through to him?

—Rainy Day Fund

Dear Rainy Day,

The answer to your question comes down to some basic math and maybe a bit of compromise. How much money do you both want to have in retirement? Or, maybe the more pertinent question is, what do you want your retirement to look like? Will it involve travel? Dining out regularly? Will housing be a big part of your budget?

The two of you need to sit down and talk through your future together. No one can predict the future entirely, but we can plan for it as best we can, and that’s easier to do when you know what you envision for it. Knowing how you both want to spend your golden years will help you figure out how much monthly retirement income you’ll need. You can use a retirement savings calculator to help you figure that out, and how much you’ll need to save now to reach that goal. (I like Nerdwallet’s calculator because it’s simple, but there are plenty of options).

This may be where the compromise comes in—maybe your husband doesn’t think you need as much to be satisfied, and maybe you’d rather live modestly now so you can live large in retirement. If your visions don’t align, talk through it and come to a middle ground. The goal is to get to a place where you can agree on a number. Once you do, set that amount aside each month into an automatic savings account. You can spend what you want now knowing that your money is working for you—and for your future selves.

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Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m 22 and living in my hometown after graduating with a BA at 18 during COVID. Since graduating, I’ve been bouncing between theatre jobs, and I previously managed three theatres at age 19. I was underqualified and overworked. I quit after the stress pushed me to a health crisis. During this time, I was also diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses that have limited my energy, mobility, and fine motor skills. Recently, I began working as an assistant at a top performing arts university—a job I like, for now—and was asked to apply for a promotion to technical director. It’s a very generous offer with hefty compensation considering my age. They’re also willing to teach me on the job, but they’re asking me to commit to at least two years. I’m also incredibly unhappy in my car-centric hometown (I can’t drive currently) and have fallen out of love with the often-toxic and physically demanding industry. If I want to stay in theatre, taking the job is the right career move and will give me a larger financial safety net. I’m financially stable with $27,000 in the bank and I don’t pay rent on an inherited condo. My partner lives paycheck to paycheck.

However, I feel a persistent longing for something new and different. I can also count on one hand how many times I’ve even left my home in the American South. My illnesses are also unpredictable, not well understood, and have the potential to significantly disable me before age 30 (or maybe not, we just don’t know). On top of EVERYTHING else, I’m trans and my state may ban my access to HRT by next year. Do I move, change careers, and take advantage of what time I have left in my body, at the risk of my finances and before my partner is also financially ready? Or do I wait, push myself physically, and build a nest egg for the potential of becoming more disabled and unable to work later? That would also mean missing out on travel and experiences I desperately want, which require my body to behave itself. Working since age 13, I’ve made so many sacrifices for the sake of my career and financial security often at the cost of my health and happiness. I’m burnt out, overwhelmed, and don’t know what to do.

—Recovering Pragmatist

Dear Recovering Pragmatist,

It sounds like you know what you want to do. You’re burnt out and unhappy, and your physical health is declining. I think your instincts are right. It’s time for a change.

Sometimes it makes sense to tough out a situation and see it through. Grit can pay off in some circ*mstances, but in your case, I’m struggling to see what that payoff would be. Best case scenario, you would be financially stable, but it would come at the cost of your mental and physical health. A big move might be hard, but you don’t seem to have trouble finding work, saving money, or paying your bills. Chances are, if you moved to a new city, you would find a way to survive and thrive. It might even be easier in some ways because you might find a community where you feel safe and accepted.

Maybe you feel you need permission to let go. Or perhaps you’re finding it hard to motivate yourself to make such a big change. Either way, it sounds like you know what your gut is telling you to do. Yes, you want to consider your partner’s financial situation, but surely, it’s something the two of you can work on together. Sit down and talk about what a move would look like for both of you. If you decide to go for it, come up with a budget and a plan for the transition. It’s hard to let go of a rent-free situation, but could you rent out your condo while you’re away? Even a small income stream would be helpful. Could you stick it out at your job for six months to build up some savings, which might make you feel more financially secure about the move?

And if you don’t decide to move, that’s OK, too. But find a way to make your current situation more palatable. That might mean changing industries or moving to a new neighborhood. Whatever you decide, it sounds like it’s time to shake things up.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My grandmother is 95 years old. She lives at home and has caregivers 24/7 to help as her health has declined. She really likes and trusts them, which is important because she doesn’t trust many people now that she’s getting further into the stages of dementia. The problem is that one of her caregivers, Harriet, who has been with her for the better part of a decade is now 70 years old. Grandma trusts her and Harriet is great as a companion. Unfortunately, she’s no longer physically capable of doing things like lifting Grandma on her own, which is something we need because her mobility is starting to go completely. Recently, things became even more alarming when Grandma had a fall. She was fine but Harriet could not get her back on her feet from the floor no matter what she did and had to call the paramedics. We’ve been hoping Harriet would want to retire on her own but unfortunately, she seems to have no intention of doing so. We love Harriet like family, but we can’t keep paying someone who cannot do a task that has become essential to her job. Firing her is going to crush both of them. Is there another solution we’re not seeing here or do we have to bite the bullet on this one and get a new caregiver?

—She’s Technically Elderly Now, Too

Dear Technically Elderly,

Your grandmother’s health and safety come first, but there might be a way to make the transition an easier one. For example, could you modify Harriet’s job? Perhaps she could transition into more of an emotionally supportive role, which might involve visiting your grandmother a few times a week. You would still have to hire a replacement, which would get expensive, but this scenario might make it easier for both Harriet and your grandmother. Alternatively, you could hire an additional caretaker to assist Harriet with the more physical demands. Of course, the solutions that don’t involve letting go of her entirely might be costly.

Whatever you decide, you’ll need to have a frank conversation with Harriet about your concerns. She might even have some of these concerns herself, and if she’s close to the family, she will most likely be understanding. Let her know that you’re not just worried about your grandmother’s safety, you’re worried about hers, too.

Keep in mind that the Age Discrimination in Employment Act makes it illegal for employers to fire workers based on their age. But there are exceptions to this, including when that person’s age prevents them from performing duties that are essential for the job. It sounds like your situation counts as an exception, but make sure she knows your concerns aren’t about her age but her ability to safely perform these duties—if there’s already been an incident, you can point to that as cause for concern. If you’re worried about the legal consequences, consider consulting an employment attorney before you have this conversation.

Ultimately, it sounds like there’s no avoiding the uncomfortable reality on this one. It’s a matter of your grandmother’s health and safety. It will undoubtedly be a tough conversation, but with a little kindness and empathy, you can make it easier.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My last living grandparent died a few years ago, and he left quite a lot of money to his children, one of which is my mother. She and my father are both practical and plan to give me and my sibling (we’re both in our early-to-mid-30s) the maximum amount that can be gifted before taxes. “Why should we wait to give you money after we’re dead?” is their mantra! They’ve gifted us money once already, and a large chunk of it on my end went toward buying a new car.

However, with the money from my parents and a lot of income I’ve saved from my job, I still have about $45,000 in my savings account that’s just…sitting there. My parents encouraged me to get in touch with their financial advisor, who works for a well-known company, but I haven’t heard back from them yet. I have since looked into investing myself, and I’d like to go with an investment firm that cares about and focuses on socially responsible investing.

But after looking into all of this, it seems so confusing. A lot of places only do “negative” screening, where they claim to be socially responsible by omitting companies that deal in tobacco, firearms, fossil fuels, etc., but then don’t look into the “positive” screening aspect—how the company treats their workers, their carbon footprint, etc. Some investors consider Amazon and Nestle to be “ethical.” I did use the USSIF site to search for investment firms and found a few that seem promising, but I know nothing about investing or investment firms and what I should be looking for (or looking out for). I know nothing is perfect and I’m not so naive that I think I’ll be able to find a perfectly ethical, sustainable, socially responsible fit for my investments, but are there any specific investing firms that are transparent and actually ethical about this kind of thing? Should I take what I can get and look the other way? Or should I be going down a different path altogether?

—Conscientious and Confused

Dear Conscientious and Confused,

What you’re referring to is generally known as impact investing. That is, intentionally investing in companies that have a positive social and environmental impact. There are lots of different acronyms tossed around when it comes to this kind of investing. The two most common you’ll see are ESG (environmental, social, and governance) investing and SRI (socially responsible investing). These mean two different things, so while an investment fund could pass muster in one domain (let’s say it’s socially responsible and pays workers fair wages) it may also be using fossil fuels to power its operations—a big mark against environmental sustainability. It’s hard to find reliable investments or investment firms that check every single box when it comes to impact. Some popular firms recognized for sustainable and responsible investing are Parnassus, Calvert, and Trillium, but there are others, too. Even big investment firms—Vanguard, Fidelity, and Betterment have ESG or SRI fund options.

This seems to be the problem you’re running into. There may be an investment firm out there that perfectly aligns with your values, but it’s likely that when you look into it closely enough, you’ll find something you don’t like. But to answer your question, there are a handful of things to look out for when picking a firm. First, there’s the transparency you mentioned. What are their ESG criteria? What’s their methodology for picking companies? They should have this information readily available on their website. Also, what’s the firm’s track record? In other words, what’s their history of managing socially responsible investments, and how do those companies perform? What are their management fees or transaction costs, and how do these compare with other firms? Morningstar, Investopedia, and Consumer Reports are all solid resources to compare and look up this information. So is the US SIF (Sustainable Investment Forum), as you mentioned.

We live in an economic system where the simplest and most common way to build lasting wealth is to invest in the broad stock market. Unfortunately, that same system makes it difficult to be a socially conscious investor—or consumer, for that matter. Most of the companies that make up the broad market likely have some mark against them when it comes to environmental concerns, labor practices, or other ethical considerations.

Nothing is perfect, but that doesn’t mean we can’t do better. You can think of it as “taking what you can and looking the other way,” but you don’t have to look the other way, either. You can do what you can with an awareness that the system—and your choices within it—has much room for improvement.

—Kristin

Classic Prudie

I suffer from a food restriction disorder—my sense of “disgust” (colloquial term) is heightened and I’m highly sensitive to food textures and smells. I’ve always been a little picky but was diagnosed with the disorder a few years ago, in tandem with severe anxiety. I manage it fairly well now. However, I just moved in with my partner, who has a much more adventurous palate. My food issues are causing problems. My partner knew a couple growing up who ate two different meals every night and my partner finds this absurd.