How Dateable Is Each Character from Build-a-Bear’s Valentine’s Day Collection? (2024)

It’s rough to come out of the gate with a disclaimer like this, but nonetheless: we at Portland Monthly do not condone bestial*ty. I do not want to, nor have I ever wanted to, become romantically entangled with a bear, dog, lion, or bunny. (Though I do get the sense that theVelveteen Rabbit would be a gentle lover.)

That said, likemanyontheinternet this week, I have become entranced by mall-core legends Build-a-Bear Workshop’snew line of adult-oriented “After Dark”Valentine’s Day plushies. There’s a lotto say: Whymake the marketing so hornybut never get randier than a C-minus “crap” punin the final product? Does Pawlette the rabbit have a drinking problem? Arewe supposed to find them hot, or just relatable?

Whatever the answers,this graphic T–clad cast of characters—running about $25–50 a pop on the Build-a-Bear website—has rarely left my mind since Monday.To take my obsession to its logical conclusion, I have opted torank each Build-a-Bear After Dark critter bythe amount Iwant to date them. If you take issue withany of my choices, I encourage you to reach out—I just askthat you first reach deep inside yourself.

15. HAPPY BROWN BEAR

He seems nice enough, and in a lot of situations I could probably get over his neurotypicality to take a shot at real connection. Unfortunately, he is also a copwho seems to forget that the first Pride was a riot.

14. BARKLEIGH

My hom*osexuality notwithstanding, I’m just not sure I could vibe with such a girlboss. I bet Barkleigh is a lovely dog, but the whole hard seltzer, business-casual,“Not Today Cupid” thing makes her feel like the star of a romcom I have no business butting into.

13. PLAYFUL PUP

I’ll just come out and say it: wayyyyyyyy too kinky for me.

12. RED ROSES BEAR

Has a lot of specialized knowledge about, like, French impressionism, whichwould hook meat first, but thenI'd find outit's becausetheir dad was always doing business in France, and they came with.For a minute I would want to believeit'spossibletodate the child of a consultant, buttwo weeks later I would discover it's one of those things that simply cannot be done.

11. CUDDLY COW

On paper, it works: we both grew up near Tillamook, we're both huge Fiona Apple fans, we both have nuanced feelings about the latest Sally Rooney. But after two co*cktails at Hey Love, we'rejustnot vibing—it's like we've both been too online for most of our 20s, but in, like, different ways?

10. GROGU (BABY YODA)

Can be reallydifficult to date someone with fans.

9. CUDDLY BROWN BEAR

Charming and inoffensive, but I'm not sure how muchCuddly Brown Bearbrings to the table?Has huge adult-picky-eater energy, very little going on behind the eyes, and seems constitutionally incapable of having an opinion about the moviewe just saw.

8. HAPPY HUGS TEDDY

A real guy's guy whocan'tseemto hold down a job, Happy Hugs lacks follow-through in general, I feel—probably great at the honeymoon phase and not much else. At the start, he's role-playing in the sack andslinging bouquets, but beforeI know it he's smotheringme and his temper's flaring up and all he has to show for it isbullsh*t like this.

7. RED VELVET SPARKLE (FEATURING SWAROVSKI CRYSTALS)

Really mean but the sex is amazing.

6. TIMELESS TEDDY

IwishI had bigger daddy issues that would compel me toward this hunk. Like Happy Brown Bear, Timeless Teddy is a first responder,but he's a firefighter, because he gets it. Quiet, but not in an emotionally stunted way—he just doesn't feel like there's that much to say. Has literally never heard of Twitter. Would never work, wish desperately that it would.

5. NIGHT SKY TEDDY

Not gay as in wearing a “Love Wins” T-shirt, queer as in draping astrology merch overtheircosmos-colored body. I admit I’ve had mixed success with zodiac-obsessed lovers in the past, but my current boyfriendrecently left a candle burning in his sink for like three days because a witch in Brooklyn told him to, so I remain open.

4.LOVABLE LION

Feels like thetypeof guy I'd meet through a mutual friend, who would be like, "He has an EP," and I'd sort of roll my eyes and say, "Oh, cool," but then I'd go home and listen to the EP and it'd randomly be kind of good. We'd hook up a few times and I would 100 percentend up being too much for him, buthe'd be normal about it, and I'd come out the other side suddenly able to communicate my needs/do my taxes/hydrate sufficiently.

3. COCOA CUDDLES TEDDY

Just looking at this photo completely rids my body of cortisol. Things would be soeasy with Cocoa Cuddles Teddy. As far as I can tell, he's the only crewneck-clad After Dark critter (hot), and his proportions make him look kind of tall. I feel like I could tell him I've been trying and failing to send an email for three days and he'd just make me pho and tell me I have "a beautiful brain."

2. BROWN SLOTH

When I say I don't have a type, I'm covering for the fact that this is my type.

1. PAWLETTE

Here's the thing: I have never dabbled in heterosexuality, but that's because I have never met a Pawlette. A canonically divorcedwoman in STEM, this rabbit(?) queen is the life of the damn party. She goes out, she turns looks, shegets comfort. I would come out to her 18 months in and she would be cool with it. We would vacation in Seville every spring and people would be like, "How do they afford that?"After webrokeup, we would never drift apart, and we'd have Thanksgiving together for the rest of our lives,where mykids would say "How do you know Aunt Pawlette again?,"and we'dlaugh and laugh, andPawlette would uncork another rosé, and we would tell them everything.